Let's get one thing straight

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Friends, can we clear up one thing right away?

I’m not speaking to you as someone who’s figured it all out.

Take this weekend. I think I cried more than I didn’t cry.

I find myself in an uncomfortable season. This year has been one of redemption, which in many ways has brought deep joy and freedom like never before. I think if I could write a word over this year, it would be “hope.” But the thing about change—it requires that you let go of the past to make room for what’s to come.

And friends, letting go is HARD—even when you know it’s the right thing, the healthy thing even.

What I’ve had to let go of to move forward are people. People I’ve loved dearly, people who’ve played significant roles in my life. People I wish I could wrap up in a huge hug right now. People who I’ve had to say “no” to, and as a result, they’re no longer part of my journey.

Losing people sucks.

Now, I’m someone who knows how to grieve. I could make you the most heart-wrenching playlist on Spotify, because melancholy used to be my jam—any other enneagram type 4s feel me?

But what I’m realizing now is that after years of my emotions being suppressed growing up, I swung to the other extreme and my emotions have ruled me. And having emotions direct your life is a dangerous, inconsistent path to walk.

So, what do I do?

I’ve spent so many hours (and dollars, let’s be real) on counselling that taught me that my emotions are valid, to feel what I feel, to learn how to express it in healthy ways.

But at the same time, no one ever taught me how to grieve with hope. That’s something totally new to me.

It’s something I have no idea how to do.

If I’m being honest, I’m afraid of feeling grief. I’m afraid that it will overwhelm me and I’ll get stuck. And yet, I now know a hope that I never knew before. How do these two seemingly opposite things go together?

I’ll let you know when I know. Because I’m in the thick of it.

Yes, I have overcome.

Yes, I am still overcoming.

As long as I live and breathe, I’m not finished growing. I’m not finished experiencing new pain, new loss, new heartache. And I’m not finished learning, transforming, and becoming.

And neither are you.

I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, or growing through. But I’m with you in this. If you’re feeling a tension between the way you used to live and a new way—a higher way—that’s calling you, then you’re exactly where you need to be. The tension shows that we’re living, and we’re not finished yet.